Thursday, June 11, 2009

My Zom-Com Entry

Carrie Harris is having another snarftastic contest! Since the rules state I must create something that has to do with zombies, I've decided to write a short story. Ambitious, I know.

I've also decided to throw in a couple other elements I know Carrie is a fan of: Tom Cruise, Richard Simmons, merpires, and sparkles.

Without further ado, here is my explanation of how Tom Cruise became Zom Cruise.



In the year 2095, Tom Cruise bought a spaceship. Katie said he was going through another one of his mid-century crises, but she was easily ignored from space.

Tom quickly realized, however, that without any air in space, he couldn't put the top of his spaceship down and cruise for chicks with his hair perfectly still despite a cool breeze. Bummer, he thought, as well as some other inappropriate words.

While re-entering the Earth's atmosphere (or lack thereof) he realized he couldn't actually land the spaceship. More inappropriate words ensued as he cursed the spaceship, the spaceship's family, and its sexual history. This made the spaceship commit seppuku. Tom survived the explosion, though, because, well, he was Tom Cruise.

Tom, always an intelligent fellow, noticed he had crash-landed onto an island. He began to search for inhabitants, but as the day grew long, his hair fell out of shape and he became disheartened. Finally, while he slept in the smoldering spaceship carcass that night, he heard a noise.

"Unnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhh!"

"Hooray!" Tom Cruise pranced. "Ehem, I mean, that's cool. Hello? Is somebody there?"

"Unnnnnnnnnnngggghhhhh?"

"Yes, I am Tom Cruise, thank you for noticing," he said as a figure drifted towards him. Or, rather, lurched towards him. "Wait, I just spoke zombie, didn't I?"

"Shrung unnnnngh..."

"Yeah, well so are you, you idiot!"

"Fruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungslugnrgiogjrgo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sure, go ahead and eat my brains."

"Plhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungjjsjgljslg!!!!!!!!"

"Of course I was being sarcastic!" Tom Cruise began to think long and hard, his diminutive brain working overtime. After ten minutes of extreme concentration, he spoke once again to the zombie.

"I challenge you to a dance off! If you win, you can eat my brains. If I win, I become the new ruler of Zombie Island and all zombies become my slaves."

The zombie quickly agreed. Unknowingly, Tom Cruise had entered into a dance off with a zombie trained by Richard Simmons, sparkles and all.

There's no need to go into the lengthy dance off details, because the zombie was wearing neon spandex. Tom Cruise's brains were rapidly devoured and what was left of him entered into the zombie cult as "Zom Cruise".

After that, Zom's career took off for the first time in over ninety years. He entered into record contracts and video deals, and sold miniature non-lifelike Zoms to kids everywhere. His sanity was questioned after a queer appearance on a merpire talk show, but most people still sympathized with him because of his "brutal" zombie attack.

And Katie never noticed the difference.